It is officially 2020 and I could not be more excited about it. 2019 was not our best year by far but I learned some important lessons over the past year. We struggled this year with grief and loss. We lost too many friends and family members this year. This was a year of tragedy for us in so many ways from unexpected deaths to fierce battles with mental illness. While a large part of me would like to bury 2019 and move on, I do think it is important to reflect on some of the lessons I learned this year.

Lessons I learned in 2019

1. Grief is a monster that will plague you for years if not faced appropriately. We lost several family members and close friends this year and it reminded me how terrible I am at grieving. I’m more of a push-my-emotions-deep-inside-and-keep-going kind of girl and I’m becoming more and more conscious of the fact that I really need to face that pain and grief. Maybe 2020 is the year I can continue to grieve for the people and things I’ve lost in the past in a constructive way.
   
2. Life is so, so short. It’s cliche and you hear it all the time but 2019 really forced me to learn this. In addition to unexpected deaths this year, we have had several friends receive a diagnosis that is not great. I’ve had to watch them struggle and come to terms with the fact that we are not invincible. Life is not infinite. Cherish those around you while you can.
   
3. Mental illness is a beast and no one is immune. I’ve struggled with my own bouts of depression and anxiety pretty openly, particularly postpartum depression. This past year, however, I have become so much more inclined to notice other people. I’m not sure if mental illness is more prevalent in people around me than it has been in the past or if I’m just getting better at noticing. But, I learned, in a very difficult way, that people who you think are okay may not really be so. People who you think have everything in the world and have no reason to be depressed might still be struggling. People who you think are too young to plagued by mental illness might be some of the best at hiding it. Suicide rates are increasing at alarming rates particularly among adolescents and young children. This year I faced multiple suicide attempts from people I know and love, children I teach, and people I really thought were okay. My heart was shattered over and over again this year.
   
4. This summer we almost lost a child. It’s not a story we are ready to tell in a public platform yet and I don’t know if we ever will be. However, it taught me some very important lessons in parenting. Not everything is a huge deal. Let some expectations go, particularly if they are expectations of perfection. Perfection doesn’t really exist. It’s important to pay very close attention to your children. It’s amazing how many things I’ve realized I missed about my own children. Put the phone down. Let the dishes pile-up. Forget the laundry and just listen to your kids. They won’t want to talk but it is our job as parents to ask and to know. Be a soft and safe place for your children to land. I’ve learned what it means to walk through fire for your children. I’ve also learned what true fear feels like and how an entire family can change in a matter of minutes. There is literally a before and an after version of our family in my head. I love both. I mourn the carefree before version. I’m still learning to live with this new version. I’m scared of the future and I’m not sure how we will move on and what our new normal will be like.

The good side of 2019

2019 wasn’t all bad. We had lots of good times too. So here are some of the highlights of 2019.

1. Traveling! We started our year out in Chicago which was a new city for all of us. We took our oldest kids to see Hamilton and it was a trip of a lifetime for them. They experienced ice skating for the first time at Millennium Park. We saw beluga whales at Shedd Aquarium. My kids rode a train for the first time and saw their first big city. It was a blast!
   

In March, Daniel and I traveled to Costa Rica for the first time and marked some things off the bucket list. We saw volcanoes and rain forests. We went horseback riding and kayaking, which I fell in love with. I was a bit nervous about white water rafting but ended up loving that as well. We saw beautiful scenery and animals and enjoyed some gorgeous beaches.

In June, I took my very first solo trip. Because it was my first solo trip, I chose to go somewhere I was familiar with rather than somewhere new. I spent several days in London and Paris. I learned a lot about myself and some lessons about traveling alone. Being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted was such a wonderful experience. I truly believe every woman should travel alone. It was such a freeing experience.

2. I got a new best friend. Most people thought we were crazy for adding another dog to our crazy household but I think in the end it was just what I needed to get through the second half of this year. I’ve always wanted a French bulldog and when I had the opportunity to get one, I jumped on it. Estelle Cosette (Stella for short) joined our family in April. She and I very quickly bonded and are basically inseparable. In fact, she’s laying on my feet as I type this. She’s fiercely protective of me at times and has been exactly what I needed on the rough days.

3. Emily also got a new best friend thanks to her Mimi and Pops. They adopted Oreo the cat for Emily for her birthday. Emily absolutely adores Oreo most of the time! Ha! Having a cat has been a lesson in responsibility for Emily but also a lesson in friendship and companionship. Oreo is much sweeter with Emily than she is with anyone else in the house. It’s so nice to peek into Emily’s room and see the two of them curled up asleep together.

4. Jackson found his groove in sports. He’s always loved soccer but this fall season just ended up being a phenomenal one for him. He brought his all to the field every time he played and it brought me so much joy to watch him. It paid off hugely for him when he was awarded a trophy for scoring the most goals in his age group. Super proud mom moment!

5. Daniel took a new job in January. He had been with his last company since he graduated college so I was very nervous for him to leave the company. It was all we had really ever known. I’m glad that he took the step of faith and went for it. I think it has bolstered his career and the pay increase has let us have way more fun with our kids! Change can be scary but also wonderful.

There were lots of other positives things that happened in 2019 in our day-to-day lives. Babies were born and friendships were rekindled. Holidays, birthdays, class parties, date nights, and lots of fun times kept us going in 2019. These are just some of the highlights of our year.

So what about 2020?

I’m not one for making resolutions. I never keep them anyway but I do have some goals for this year. Not necessarily goals that I need to meet but just things I would like to improve and work towards.

1. Be more intentional with people. Not necessarily with my family because there is a lot of intentional actions happening in that area right now but with people in general. It is so true that we really don’t know what battles and things people are going through. I just want to be more intentional in making sure that I acknowledge people and let them know that I care. I’ve made a point of sending handwritten notes to my friends and coworkers as often as possible. So many of them have shot me an email or a text letting me know that they needed those words at that particular time. That’s what I mean by being intentional. I want to be intentional in my thoughts or actions. If I notice something or admire something, I’m going to make sure I let that person know. You never know when someone needs a kind word or compliment.
   
2. Declutter. As we have walked through this healing process we have let go of expectations that really weren’t important or serving us and now I want to get rid of the stuff. I think that as a mother I’m failing my family. I get very stressed when things are cluttered and dirty. It makes my anxiety high and then I snap at my family. I no longer see the point of putting my family through this cycle. I think it will be healthier for all of us to just get rid of the things that no longer serve us and have less stress about trying to keep the house “clean.” Less arguments. Less anxiety. Happier mom which makes for a happier family. (By the way, I’ve already gotten a huge head start on this during Christmas break.)
   
3. Travel. My goals are always to travel more. However, this year we plan to travel with our children more. Most of our planned trips for this year are stateside. We may make an international trip somewhere in there but probably not with our kids. Our kids will fly for the first time this year and see more of this country than they have ever seen before. I’m pretty excited about it.
   
4. Embrace my kids’ personalities more. I have always been so uptight about so many things, usually things that cause messes. Ha! But those are also the things that my kids love. My middle daughter LOVES slime. I hate it. I want to make an effort to push aside my feelings and foster her loves and creative spirit. I foresee lots of slime making sessions, cooking sessions, and painting with my kids this year.
   
5. Slow down. I work a lot. Probably way more than I should. I plan to force myself to take some days off and slow down. Read a book. Bake a cake. Go for a walk. More self-care. Less work.
   
6. Be outdoors a lot. I think one of my children would really, really benefit from some sunshine and movement. Since it is good for all of us, I hope to push us into more outdoor family activities this year.
   
7. Healing and moving on. I want us to keep making progress as a family and individuals. I want us to move into a new place of trust and wholeness. I will continue to do whatever it takes to build strong relationships with my kids, to keep them healthy and safe, to foster strong mental health, and to help them overcome everything they are going through.

Good riddance, 2019! Here’s looking at you, 2020!